The Secret Diary of Legolas Greenleaf, Continued
by lalaithien
Summary: The second in my Two Towers Secret Diaries series. Legolas still narcissistic surfer-dude. V. fun. :-)


**The Secret Diaries Continued:**

**The Second Secret Diary of Legolas Greenleaf, son of Thranduil of the Mirkwood Elves**

Author's Note: these Diaries are my own intellectual property. I owe the idea of putting LotR characters into "diary" situations to Cassandra Claire and her "Very Secret Diaries," and thank her for the inspiration immensely. However, all of my Secret Diaries are my own work, and the content is original and not copied from any other source. I haven't bothered with strict adherence to the timeline, so Tolkien purists beware. Enjoy, and if you like it, please write a review and let me know!

_Day 1:_

Have spent last day and a half running across field and plain in search of missing Hobbit-things. Legs and bum even more toned than before. Graceful cat-like physique definitely still _totally_ perfect. Wish someone had camera to film graceful cat-like physique running across field and plain. Am still total babe-magnet.

Day 2:

Have now spent last two days running non-stop. Am considering creating series of exercise videos when return to Mirkwood. Certain many would willingly pay to watch perfect graceful cat-like physique in motion. Do I sense envy??

_P.S._ Gimli still in v. bad mood. Suspect solid iron shoes giving him bunion.

Day 3:

Three days on road. Am now only living member of Fellowship not a) sweating like racehorse, b) panting like dog, and c) aching like h*ll, due to perfect graceful totally toned babe-magnet of physique. Am so hot it's scary. And hair still perfect. Watch me strike a pose!!

Day 4:

Marathon exercise-run interrupted by scruffy people on horses. Drat. And just when had perfected hip-sway thing, too. Lead scruffy person Eomer insulted Giblet, uh, Gimli. Threatened to shoot E. w/bow. Am so cool when menacing. Was directed by scruffy people to heap of burning Orcs. Not pretty. Aragorn rummaged about in leaves and says has found trail of Hobbit-things. Show-off. Am off to Fangorn Forest. Hope tree-mould does not ruin complexion (do not wish to break record of 1,293 years, 4 mos., and 2 days w/out spot).

LATER:

Have discovered can be drop-dead gorgeous standing still as well. Can I be anything but total hottie? (Duh! Nope.)

Day 7:

Did not find Hobbit-things in Fangorn Forest. Knew Aragorn was wrong!! Found Gandalf the Grey instead. Appears to have fallen into giant vat of bleach as no longer Grey. Wonder how long will remain White in this territory. (Unlike Elves Wizards do not have super-cool non-stick coating in manner of ducks' backs causing dirt to roll off.) Am still v. clean, considering, and definitely still total babe-magnet. (In this company is not much of competition.)

Day 8:

Apparently have given up search for Hobbit-things and heading to Rohan. Suspect whole running-across-field-and-plain thing was just excuse for others to admire my perfect cat-like physique in motion. 

Day 12:

Arrived at Edoras. General trend of unwashedness v. unappealing. Does nobody in Middle Earth besides tall pointy-eared blondes know how to use a comb and scented soap? 

V. bad omen. Have discovered tall clean blonde in Meduseld. Hate competition. On plus side: kicked super-duper royal bodyguard of Theoden to bits. V. enjoyable as first time have got to punch someone in approx. 14.57 days. 

Day 13:

Aragorn prancing about telling Theoden how to be leader of men. Am not sure of A's qualifications as so far job experience has not gone well (to date: at least two dead companions and several abductions). Theoden taking aggression out on Gimli. Poor pint-sized person. Am feeling compassion. (Oooh, look v. cool when being compassionate.)

Day 16:

Gandalf has gone off somewhere. Wish other tall slim blonde would go off somewhere too as cannot feel totally sublime about self in presence of similar-looking person. Am v. bored and wish had Gameboy…perhaps should shoot something. Would shoot Eowyn but suspect Aragorn might retaliate, causing holes in perfect graceful cat-like physique. Totally unacceptable. Suspect Eowyn developing crush on Aragorn. Perhaps should tell her A already engaged (sixty-plus years and counting) and break her heart. Oooh, revenge. How fun. 

Day 17:

Are leaving Edoras for some place in mountains called Helms Deep. Cannot wait as spelunking would provide opportunity to exhibit manly muscles.

Day 18:

Attacked en route to Helms Deep by savage band of Orcs. As usual spotted them first and kicked serious Orc a**. Made v. impressive macho display of horse-mounting. Am sure everyone watched. Am total babe-magnet. Aragorn took tumble off cliff. Not too disappointing as gave me v. good opportunity to stand silhouetted on brink exhibiting graceful poised physique.

Day 20:

Drat. Aragorn back. Suspect whole thing was ruse to get out of fight. Scruffy sneak. Have arrived at Helms Deep. Not pleased as v. dirty and leaf-mould is certain to ruin flawless porcelain complexion.

Day 21:

Ugh. Am strapped in so much leather armour cannot show off manly muscles. Completely demoralising. Rohan sucks.

Day 22:

 Orcs about to attack. Am certain will kick total Orc a**. Looking forward as have perfected v. cool shield-surfing technique. Take that, shieldmaiden of Rohan!

LATER:

Drat. Single-handed massacre of Orc forces completely set back by arrival of Haldir and co. On plus side, suspect Haldir v. jealous of willowy feral-predator physique and perfect hair. 

Day 23:

Woo-hoo! Kicked total Orc a**. Am absolute blonde bombshell. Totally cool. Heroic glory of last stand somewhat diminished by arrival of Gandalf and Eomer, cleverly backlit in dreamy ecru. Hah. Both still not nearly as pretty as me even w/backlighting. Take that, blondie.


End file.
